I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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