She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
