he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Randomize
