I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize