I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Less talking, more tequila
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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