I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
