Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
