You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
