my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
