im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
