Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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