We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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