How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
