my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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