Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
