I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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