I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
