saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
