These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
