We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize