Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
