Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
