My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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