Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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