Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
