Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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