Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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