i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize