omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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