i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
