I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
