So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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