i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
