does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize