im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
