I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
