wakey wakey hands off snakey
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
