I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
