Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
