he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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