my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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