During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Randomize
