Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
