the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
