is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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