You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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