Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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