Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
