It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
