I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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