I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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