And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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