when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
