I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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