You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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