My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
