I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
