i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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