I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
