I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
