there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize