I cockslap morals
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
