He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
