you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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