he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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