What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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